This Is How Fat Thinks

I was in Vegas over the weekend and Thursday night found me sitting at the bar in Margaritaville with some friends. We were having some drinks, talking to strangers and watching both the baseball and football games. All was well with the world.

Out of nowhere, a young (20s?) guy came up behind me and snapped a selfie with me in it. He moved away before I could even get out "What was that about?" Less than 30 seconds later, another young guy came up and did the same. He also bounded away before I could stop him.

My very first thought was that they were doing a photo scavenger hunt and one of the items was a picture with the fattest woman they found. Hell, could even have been the fattest person they saw if I let my mind take it further.

Now, assuming a scavenger hunt, there are other reasons they could have wanted a picture of me. Maybe they needed a ginger, maybe it was someone with their hair in braids, maybe it was someone in the brightest colored shirt they could find.

Who knows?

But, I know. Because being fat (and having been it most of your life) gives you an overriding mindset that everything is related to your size.

Because, it usually is.

I could quote numerous studies about overweight people getting paid less and being considered lazy or poor workers. Anyone who is overweight can probably tell you multiple stories of how they've been judged for having no willpower or considered extremely unattractive and undateable. And, how they feel like they have to make up for their size by being smarter or funnier or richer or more talented than their smaller counterparts.

I'm pretty frakking smart and funny. Coincidence?

I know some people will say, "Well, then lose the weight and you won't be judged anymore". Yep, I sure could. I'm pretty good at losing weight when I try to. But, somewhere down the path of eating right and exercising comes that time where eating a half of a frozen pizza is more appealing than making a grilled chicken breast salad. It's all a slippery slope from there and I willfully fall down it.

Because, there are reasons to not to lose weight. Being heavy is a great heartache shield. It feels a lot easier to get immediately rejected than to have it happen after you've given your trust and affection to someone. Another reason is a "frak you for judging me, I'm staying the way I am" attitude. Very easy to convince yourself you don't need to conform to society's shallow norms. Hell, that practically makes you a rebel that you don't conform and rebels are cool.

I know I need to lose weight for my health and to take the pressure off of my body in several ways. Maybe, I'll get the mindset to actually do something about it. Only time will tell. But, I'm pretty sure even if I lost weight, I'll never get to the point where I'm not fat. The thin ship sailed a long time ago.

I tried to shake the whole thing off and enjoy the evening but, clearly, it's still bugging me. And, I keep telling myself that's just silly because I don't know why they took the pictures.

But, I know.

Comments

Laurie Deland said…
Depending on how much I'd had to drink, I might have gone over to the guys and "fat shamed" them. But I have been in and am still in your shoes.
I am (im)patiently waiting for more research, something to vindicate us and show the world that it is not self control or laziness or not caring.
Anonymous said…
Wow
I don't quite know what to say. I don't really know you. Just here on fb and a brief "nice to see youin person" at Campland. But so far as I can see, as I know. I like you. I love your posts about the #terrors and your occasional posts on your Cheesehead blog. And it makes me angry to think of someone making you feel the need to protect yourself against the chance of experiencing heartache again. I know you know those guys were assholesbut it doesn't make you feel better. It doesn't lessen the pain
I understand that. For other reasons
Not related to weight but other things that aren't easily visible.
But it makes me angry on your behalf. And I will say what you have no doubt heard before - that We cannot change the behavior of others, only how *we* react to it.
Easier said than done huh? But I have a favorite saying that I got from the X-files many years ago, and that is "If you quit, "they" win.
So I would say to just enjoy your life as much as possible. Take care of yourself without worrying about losing weight. Because I have seen from a friend who hss been "Reubenesque " all her life and from others that confidence, contentment and self assurance radiate from within and far eclipse thd physical imperfections we all possess.
Even the most beautiful/handsome find themselves wallflowers if their outlook doesn't match their physical beauty.
So hold your head high and carry yourself with a confidence and bad ass attitude to make others see your worth as well. A Dowager Duchess of Downton you might say. Old snd wrinkled *she* may be, but no young punk would dare get within ten feet of her bearing anything less than the utmost respect.
Your friends already see you that way so maybe try to see it yourself.
Let go of the pain, put yourself out there and take a chance.
Cheesehead said…
Laurie - I have no doubt there is something. Some fat related gene is my guess.

Thanks for the supportive words, Anonymous.
Anonymous said…
Kathy, anyone that knows you does NOT care what size you are. We know you are a fantastic caring and giving person. Don't let other people make you feel like you are shameful. Do what is best for you and enjoy the one life you have to live! Love you!
Susan Gayle said…
They took the pictures because you are beautiful!!!
Anonymous said…
R was livid about what happened and regretted not saying anything. I,who was drinking,didn't realize what had even happened. I hate when you think about what you should have said but too late. I do believe in Karma and those juvenile morons will get theirs. They will some day feel very ashamed of themselves. You are such a beautiful person.

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