This Is How Fat Thinks

I was in Vegas over the weekend and Thursday night found me sitting at the bar in Margaritaville with some friends. We were having some drinks, talking to strangers and watching both the baseball and football games. All was well with the world.

Out of nowhere, a young (20s?) guy came up behind me and snapped a selfie with me in it. He moved away before I could even get out "What was that about?" Less than 30 seconds later, another young guy came up and did the same. He also bounded away before I could stop him.

My very first thought was that they were doing a photo scavenger hunt and one of the items was a picture with the fattest woman they found. Hell, could even have been the fattest person they saw if I let my mind take it further.

Now, assuming a scavenger hunt, there are other reasons they could have wanted a picture of me. Maybe they needed a ginger, maybe it was someone with their hair in braids, maybe it was someone in the brightest colored shirt they could find.

Who knows?

But, I know. Because being fat (and having been it most of your life) gives you an overriding mindset that everything is related to your size.

Because, it usually is.

I could quote numerous studies about overweight people getting paid less and being considered lazy or poor workers. Anyone who is overweight can probably tell you multiple stories of how they've been judged for having no willpower or considered extremely unattractive and undateable. And, how they feel like they have to make up for their size by being smarter or funnier or richer or more talented than their smaller counterparts.

I'm pretty frakking smart and funny. Coincidence?

I know some people will say, "Well, then lose the weight and you won't be judged anymore". Yep, I sure could. I'm pretty good at losing weight when I try to. But, somewhere down the path of eating right and exercising comes that time where eating a half of a frozen pizza is more appealing than making a grilled chicken breast salad. It's all a slippery slope from there and I willfully fall down it.

Because, there are reasons to not to lose weight. Being heavy is a great heartache shield. It feels a lot easier to get immediately rejected than to have it happen after you've given your trust and affection to someone. Another reason is a "frak you for judging me, I'm staying the way I am" attitude. Very easy to convince yourself you don't need to conform to society's shallow norms. Hell, that practically makes you a rebel that you don't conform and rebels are cool.

I know I need to lose weight for my health and to take the pressure off of my body in several ways. Maybe, I'll get the mindset to actually do something about it. Only time will tell. But, I'm pretty sure even if I lost weight, I'll never get to the point where I'm not fat. The thin ship sailed a long time ago.

I tried to shake the whole thing off and enjoy the evening but, clearly, it's still bugging me. And, I keep telling myself that's just silly because I don't know why they took the pictures.

But, I know.