A "Real" Lesson in Communications
The very same day I learned that I was an Expressive, I got a first hand lesson of what it's like to go up against a Driver.
It wasn't pretty.
First, a little background. This particular Driver (I'll call him D in a very limited attempt to protect his identity even though many will guess who it is) came over to my house on Wednesday night because I'd done him a favor and gotten him some stuff (no, not drugs, more along the lines of trinkets).
He'd told me he was going to "drop by" and, once he was here, I said I wasn't sure what that exactly meant so he told me he was thinking I would make him dinner. OK, no prob. I whipped up some pasta and a big salad and we split a bottle of some nice Chianti while having a generally pleasant conversation.
Then, it went bad.
Some more background to explain the story. A few months ago, we had talked about going to an out of town event together. The plans were not firm. Someone else asked me to make rooming arrangements with them and, when I asked D what we were going to do, he, well, he ticked me off. See, he had made plans with someone else but not told me. I could tell by the look on his face at the time that he knew he was going to tick me off. He then followed up the ticking me off, after I snapped back at him, with a "I can't believe you're mad about this."
It wasn't a pleasant interaction, I admit. I did flare up but it wasn't really about him making other plans. Ours were not concrete. For me, it came down to the fact that, at no point in the conversation, did he say "I'm sorry..." He could have said, "I'm sorry if you were counting on this but..." "I'm sorry, but our plans weren't firm so..." "I'm sorry that you're upset..."
I just thought it was discourteous. No, we didn't have firm plans but he knows that I'm a scheduler and was probably counting on it. He also knew he was going to tick me off and I wondered how long he'd had the other plans and why he couldn't have told me as soon as he made them. Again, seemed like common courtesy to me.
So, after dinner, the subject came up. Here's where the Driver in him came into play and how he worked the Expressive in me.
He told me that I shouldn't have taken it personally and that I was out of line by attacking him.
I replied that all I really had needed was an "I'm sorry..." and I would have been OK.
He told me that he wasn't sorry because there was no need to be and what was he supposed to do, lie about being sorry?
This went back and forth for a long time. He clearly didn't care about my feelings because I shouldn't have taken it personally. I wanted an apology, even if it was "I'm sorry you're upset even though I think you have no reason to be." In the back of my mind, I was thinking, 'what the hell? I just did you a favor and made you dinner and you're totally bashing me. How frakking rude are you?'
That was bad enough, but then he went on an attack and told me that, pretty much, "all" of my problems with "everyone" are my fault because I won't let things go. I told him, "It's interesting that you're attacking me and that's what you accuse me of unfairly doing."
His reply? "I'm role shifting to show you what's it like to be on the receiving end of your attacks."
I then rebutted with something along the lines of, "When I used to hurt your feelings, I did it completely unknowingly yet you knew you were going to hurt mine and still did it but that's OK."
He then came back with the line that I used to attack him in public which was unfair. I guess when you eviscerate someone in private, it's all good.
In pure Driver style, he completely ignored my feelings and painted me into a corner where whatever I said could be taken as an attack or taking things personally. The very two flaws to my style. I had no actionable course left.
Brilliant move on his part.
I conceded checkmate and then went into my secondary backup mode, Acquiesence. I was like, OK then, time to move on.
I really hope he doesn't take this personally, but he's never being invited over to my house again. It's really for his own protection since I clearly can't control the fact that I Attack people so he should understand. Yes, that's said a tad facetiously.
Am I bitter? Not now. He is what he is and I am what I am. All I can do is learn from it. Maybe, it will help me to not flair up at the next person who pushes me. Clearly, it's teaching me to stay away from people who aren't considerate of my feelings when they conflict with their views.
I have to admit that I did call one of my Driver friends the next day and asked him to beat D up for me (again, it was facetious). I got a little into the story and he said, "What's his address?" He then followed up with, "I'm sorry you had such a tough evening." Perfect responses for the Expressive in me. Clearly, he's someone who understands that knowing someone's style isn't about using it to batter them, it's about using it to communicate.
No, he's not going to actually beat him up, in case you were wondering.
It wasn't pretty.
First, a little background. This particular Driver (I'll call him D in a very limited attempt to protect his identity even though many will guess who it is) came over to my house on Wednesday night because I'd done him a favor and gotten him some stuff (no, not drugs, more along the lines of trinkets).
He'd told me he was going to "drop by" and, once he was here, I said I wasn't sure what that exactly meant so he told me he was thinking I would make him dinner. OK, no prob. I whipped up some pasta and a big salad and we split a bottle of some nice Chianti while having a generally pleasant conversation.
Then, it went bad.
Some more background to explain the story. A few months ago, we had talked about going to an out of town event together. The plans were not firm. Someone else asked me to make rooming arrangements with them and, when I asked D what we were going to do, he, well, he ticked me off. See, he had made plans with someone else but not told me. I could tell by the look on his face at the time that he knew he was going to tick me off. He then followed up the ticking me off, after I snapped back at him, with a "I can't believe you're mad about this."
It wasn't a pleasant interaction, I admit. I did flare up but it wasn't really about him making other plans. Ours were not concrete. For me, it came down to the fact that, at no point in the conversation, did he say "I'm sorry..." He could have said, "I'm sorry if you were counting on this but..." "I'm sorry, but our plans weren't firm so..." "I'm sorry that you're upset..."
I just thought it was discourteous. No, we didn't have firm plans but he knows that I'm a scheduler and was probably counting on it. He also knew he was going to tick me off and I wondered how long he'd had the other plans and why he couldn't have told me as soon as he made them. Again, seemed like common courtesy to me.
So, after dinner, the subject came up. Here's where the Driver in him came into play and how he worked the Expressive in me.
He told me that I shouldn't have taken it personally and that I was out of line by attacking him.
I replied that all I really had needed was an "I'm sorry..." and I would have been OK.
He told me that he wasn't sorry because there was no need to be and what was he supposed to do, lie about being sorry?
This went back and forth for a long time. He clearly didn't care about my feelings because I shouldn't have taken it personally. I wanted an apology, even if it was "I'm sorry you're upset even though I think you have no reason to be." In the back of my mind, I was thinking, 'what the hell? I just did you a favor and made you dinner and you're totally bashing me. How frakking rude are you?'
That was bad enough, but then he went on an attack and told me that, pretty much, "all" of my problems with "everyone" are my fault because I won't let things go. I told him, "It's interesting that you're attacking me and that's what you accuse me of unfairly doing."
His reply? "I'm role shifting to show you what's it like to be on the receiving end of your attacks."
I then rebutted with something along the lines of, "When I used to hurt your feelings, I did it completely unknowingly yet you knew you were going to hurt mine and still did it but that's OK."
He then came back with the line that I used to attack him in public which was unfair. I guess when you eviscerate someone in private, it's all good.
In pure Driver style, he completely ignored my feelings and painted me into a corner where whatever I said could be taken as an attack or taking things personally. The very two flaws to my style. I had no actionable course left.
Brilliant move on his part.
I conceded checkmate and then went into my secondary backup mode, Acquiesence. I was like, OK then, time to move on.
I really hope he doesn't take this personally, but he's never being invited over to my house again. It's really for his own protection since I clearly can't control the fact that I Attack people so he should understand. Yes, that's said a tad facetiously.
Am I bitter? Not now. He is what he is and I am what I am. All I can do is learn from it. Maybe, it will help me to not flair up at the next person who pushes me. Clearly, it's teaching me to stay away from people who aren't considerate of my feelings when they conflict with their views.
I have to admit that I did call one of my Driver friends the next day and asked him to beat D up for me (again, it was facetious). I got a little into the story and he said, "What's his address?" He then followed up with, "I'm sorry you had such a tough evening." Perfect responses for the Expressive in me. Clearly, he's someone who understands that knowing someone's style isn't about using it to batter them, it's about using it to communicate.
No, he's not going to actually beat him up, in case you were wondering.
