Which Circle of Hell Has Baby Showers?

Here's my idea of a perfect baby shower. Meet at a sports bar, eat wings, drink beer (water for the Mom-to-be), open presents and be done with it. I'm clearly not girly nor maternal so the traditional festivities don't flip my switch.

Unfortunately, I don't know any baby shower planners who agree with me. Instead, they want to serve fancy food with sandwiches cut into cute shapes and play games like "Guess the baby food flavor." That's accompanied by lots of talk about pregnancy and baby poop and vomit.

Oh, the joy.

Last weekend, I had two baby showers to attend. I'm not sure what I did to get that much bad karma to work off but apparently, I have been very bad. (Hmmmm, now that I think about it there were a few incidents...)

Anywhoooo, the first shower was a brunch on Saturday and the Mom was Stacey, one of my chick poker pals. The hostess' first words to me were, "Hello, would you like a Mimosa?" She knows me well. She had a whole spread of crepes, fruit, muffins, bagels and granola set up. There was enough food for twice as many people as attended but she's that kind of hostess.

We played the aforementioned baby food game. For those of you lucky enough to never play that, they put samples of different baby foods in little dishes and you have to guess the flavor. You can smell it and even taste it (if you dare) to help you make your guess. Despite being many (I refuse to do the math!) years removed from feeding an infant, I managed to tie one other woman for most correct answers. I missed Turkey Dinner, btw, which looked like baby poop and there was no way I was tasting it. I got a really nice lavender candle for my efforts.

The next game was "Guess the baby related item." There were ten things in sealed paper bags and we could squeeze or shake them. After we all made our guesses, Stacey opened them and got to keep them. I didn't do as well on that one ( how many people know what an aspirator is?) and I honestly couldn't remember the phrase "teething ring" so I put down "chew toy." They gave me that one, though.

Finally, it was on to the presents. The one thing I can get into about showers is the shopping. I love buying baby clothes because they're so adorable!

Stacey is not so into cute clothes. She would probably dress her daughter in recycled dish towels and her older brother's leftover clothes. She also doesn't like pink or denim. I wonder sometimes why we're friends.

So, of course I bought pink and denim. I found a pink onesie that had a crown and "Always the Princess" on it. That was a gimme. I also got a sleeper in green with pink trim and a matching onesie and shorts that were mostly purple but still had pink.

My favorite outfit was an Ivory colored top with a denim dress. The dress had pink and white embroidery on it and it was soooooo cute! Stacey pulled it out of the bag, made a face and asked "Who got me this?" It was not the most enthusiastic tone. When she checked the gift tag she said, "I should have known. You would actually wear this!" She's right.

Our parting gift for attending the shower was a small picture frame. That was so we can all bug Stacey to give us pictures of the new baby. I've only gotten one of her son, ever, and I had to make her promise to give me that in exchange for a Tony Stewart Home Depot construction helmet. It took months to get, too.

Sunday afternoon's shower was for my friend Maria who used to work with me. She left the IT world to become a teacher and the shower was hosted by some of her teacher friends. They didn't serve alcohol at this function so I had to go through the event cold sober.

Some of the food items were egg salad sandwiches with the bread cut in animal shapes, cupcakes decorated as jungle animals and a fancy, but quite tasty, coconut cake. Did I mention no alcohol? There was fruit punch and bottled water.

The first game we played was "Guess the animal baby." Being teachers, they handed out the quiz forms, told us to keep them turned over until they called time then made us answer within a certain time. I didn't do so well but I did learn that a baby crocodile is a hatchling and a baby monkey is an infant. We then decorated bibs and onesies with paint pens and filled out note cards with tips for Maria.

Here's one of the tips: when the baby has an up the back poop accident while wearing a onesie, just cut the onesie in half instead of trying to take it off over his head.

What a lovely image that I could have lived without.

I got to buy boy clothes this time and got a pair of corduroy pants and matching top, a striped onesie and a matching shorts and shirt. The cords were adorable. They did a raffle if you brought a pack of diapers or baby wipes and I was totally amazed at the change in diapers from, you know, a while ago. I bought 112 diapers and they took up as much space as 24 diapers used to. Technology can be a cool thing.

For all my bitching about having to attend the two showers, I ended up having a good time at both. The first one was fun because I got to torture Stacey. The second was fun because I got to see some folks that I used to work with and celebrate with Maria. She's always wanted to be a Mom and she's going to be great one.

Having admitted that, I can easily live without going to another shower again anytime soon.

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