Dear Sir or Madam...

As a public interest for the many people who email me on a daily basis, here are some things to know so you can take me off your distribution lists.

1. I don't have an appendage that needs to be increased in volume, strength nor size.

2. I'm not looking to refinance my mortgage nor is my home about to be foreclosed upon.

3. My credit card debt is under control.

4. I don't do drugs, m-kay, so I don't need Zanax, Soma (thought I love it), Valium, Ambien, Zoloft, Hydrocodone, Vicodin or Phentermine (actually, I don't even know what Phentermine is).

5. If the camera removed 10 pounds instead of adding it, I might be willing to fulfill Robert Pattinson, Pierce Brosnan, Jerry Seinfeld, Tyler Perry, et al's desire to have me co-star with them. Until then, no thanks.

6. I have plenty of home insurance, auto insurance and warranties, life insurance, dental insurance and health insurance.

7. I'm not looking for a career as a CSI, Photographer, Medical Billing Professional, Massage Therapist, Real Estate Agent, Teacher, Nurse or Chef. And, while I'm intrigued about what a Faith-Based degree would get me, I have no Faith so let's just move on.

8. My cable gets all the shows I want so I don't need any version of a Dish or DirectTV.

9. My love life is perfectly, well, non-existent, but that doesn't mean I want to hook up with you tonight nor meet my Christian soul mate (see #7).

10. I don't read Japanese or Russian.

11. I am very, very far from AARP status.

12. While I appreciate that you consider me a dear friend and am praying for me, I'm too lazy to wire any money to you so you can free up your millions from Nigeria, Ethiopia or Congo.

I hope you find this helpful in narrowing down your solicitations to someone who will be more likely to respond.

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